Dragon Tails

Normally Dragons hang precariously to the pages of fantasy fiction and art, rarely setting claw in the so called real world, but at times the portal does open and glimpses are accorded to mere mortals. Many who prefer an escape from reality invest themselves with the designation and hopefully the grandeur of these supernatural beasts. This is one tale of many regarding such an individual who for her own reasons, ones that do not enter into this particular story, sees herself as a Dragon.

The Birthday Barbecue

This is as much the end of a relationship as the beginning of these stories. I was seated, as I frequently did at least once a week in the Dragon’s Lair when the telephone rang. It was her daughter who is at present doing well as an army redcap. It was an invitation for the Dragon to attend a barbecue on the 7th of April. Dragon simpered, “ohhhh a surprise birthday party for me how nice”. (She has a habit of putting on special voices particularly when on the telephone). Can I bring Pauline and of course her daughters so that they can see your beautiful home?

I do admit my heart sank. I do not like being transported to the wilds of nowhere for a party as there is no chance of leaving when I want to and as I grow older my own space has become increasingly important. But I also hate to throw proverbial spanners in the works of others and there was always the hope of a nice soldier or two (I have a difficult to please daughter in need of a new boyfriend). So the day dawned and dressed in our back garden finery we trouped into the Dragon’s sister’s car clutching our token bottles of wine.

Dragon enthused, ”It will be wonderful, she has nothing but the best. She will have the best meats there and probably steaks for the barbecue all from M & S.”

It’s a reasonable trip just out of London to the army base and when we arrived the son in law and his brother were trying to put a large barbecue together. As with most men this was proving difficult as they both thought they knew the best way to do this. Lined up along part of the fence were open beer bottles so I gathered they were also a little ‘happy’ in their work.

Inside the house the Dragon’s daughter was in the kitchen but burst out to greet us and show us around. Suitable noises were made concerning the colour schemes and decorations in the bedrooms and living areas. The television in particular came in for much admiration as it was of vast proportions. We admired the optics all loaded with spirits in the recess under the stairs and my youngest actually agreed to a shot of Malibu. (Just the one as she does not normally drink anything beyond cola) Dragon’s daughter retired back into her kitchen where she was gossiping with her ‘sister in law’ and her cousin. They were also I discovered on trotting in to see if I could help. Knocking back champagne. (I would like to state here that I do like the Dragon’s daughter and I fully appreciate her strong sense of independence).

Dragon, who gave up drinking a long time ago, and her sister who does not drink anyway, sat at the table in the dining alcove. I had a glass of white wine and went into the garden to sit with my older daughter who was watching the construction work. At this point the next-door neighbour, who turned out to be an ordinary squadie, came in from his back garden followed by a toddler. We watched him trip the child up deliberately and then shout at his wife to take the now screaming infant back indoors and take better care of her. He repeated this performance once more by leaving the gate open and berating her for letting the child wander almost to the road. In between he ran women down in a loud voice. I did not like him very much and we soon retired into the house. I went back into the kitchen but despite my efforts to help was not included in the conversations there. Slowly but surely as the day lengthened and the alcohol flowed, with little sign of anything more than pitta bread and salad, those that were drinking became drunker. A few burgers appeared and vanished. Some chicken shaped quorn was turned to cardboard on the barbecue. There were no thick, choice cut steaks from M & S, but I suspect there were some from Iceland, which is no hardship and perfectly acceptable at a party. There were no further soldiers.

Sometime around 9pm one of the Harry Potter films came on television. Another Dragon sister arrived together with Dragon’s son who had been playing tennis all day. They all went in to watch Harry Potter. The next-door neighbour’s wife joined me in the kitchen and we discussed photography as she had just started and was doing very well at it. Her lovely husband came in to join us and began throwing in snide remarks.

Dragon’s daughter wandered past filled up my glass and promptly passed out in the living room. Her husband, his brother and partner, all did much the same.

Meanwhile in the dining area I was trying very hard not to lose my temper with the awful neighbour. He got ruder and ruder as the time ticked by. His wife tried to drown him out but he was on a roll getting his own back for whatever reason his mother had dumped him on the steps of the maternity hospital (Perhaps it was his cloven hooves?) Eventually I cracked and I told him where he could go in no uncertain terms. His wife then flew at him and started batting him. The Dragon’s son in law leapt to his feet not certain what was happening. The Dragon’s son (always one to stir things up for a laugh) shouted out that I was a troublemaker. The son in law spat in my face and said he did not want me near his home again. I replied that I had not intention of traveling fifty miles to be insulted by the likes of him. At this he jumped back as if stricken and began shrieking for everyone to get out of his house. He then threw his mother in law and her relatives together with my daughters out. I apologized to Dragon but unfortunately when one lives in a fantasyland there can be no place for recognizing the truth. I was actually glad that I did not have to make those weekly journeys or listen to her putting down people from the Internet or the endless prattle about Big Brother and how psychological it all was. However on the down side I earned a place on her hit list, which I have noted over the years, has relentlessly expanded rather than diminished.

I forgot to mention the birthday cake. Well, actually it was difficult to work out which was more humiliating for Dragon, being ejected unceremoniously by her son in law, having me cause a commotion or receiving the cake. You see her daughter had spared no expense in presenting her with an un-iced, Tesco Value Victoria sponge with a candle thrust into it.